“Stuff Happens”. Most of us have heard this phrase, or one similar to it, at some point in our lives. It’s a simple statement, “stuff happens” but it really means suck it and up and deal with it. It means that life is unfair and the sooner we accept that fact, the better. But I beg to differ. In this broken and perverse world, injustices do happen. Hearts are broken, people are abused, people murder, lie, cheat and steal, and as Christians we are called to believe that there is a definite right and wrong, called “absolute truth”. Personally, accepting the theory that “stuff just kinda happens sometimes” does not work for me- AT ALL. You see, something unfair happened to me. So what did I do? I got angry. Whenever my expectations on what is acceptable are not reached-I see it as an injustice, and anger begins to burn in my heart. However, according to James 1:20, “Human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” But that didn’t stop me. Soon my anger turned to bitterness, and bitterness ruled in my heart. I was unable to see past the injustice of my situation and focus on anything-other than my own distress. Bitterness told my human heart that life is not fair, that I didn’t deserve anything bad to happen to me, and that trusting anyone-especially God- would lead to disappointment. What a lie! But I subconsciously believed it, and soon my bitterness was not only that- but had grown into depression and isolation. I don’t know if you have ever been depressed, but I’d define it as a period of my life where I had no desire to do anything productive, I felt nothing, and I chased after extreme behaviors for the hope of feeling anything at all. I did not feel alive. I was right where Satan wanted me- in my own cocoon of infectivity. I was untouchable, because I did not react to anything, good or bad. I had unknowingly sealed myself off from the world, simply because I thought it was better that way. All this time, I was saved, going to church and school with my Christian friends.
My existence felt dull and empty, and I accepted melancholy monotony as my life. But God did not create life to be melancholy or monotonous, God gave us life, and life to its fullest(John 10:10). Hmm. . . If life is supposed to be so great and full, why am I not experiencing it like so? Famous Christian writer, C.S. Lewis, explains, “We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us,” My problem was no longer a response to how I was wronged. It had evolved into a problem of my blindness, I was not able to look outside of my TEMPORARY situation to an ETERNAL God.
It is said that suicide is a selfish crime. I disagree, I contemplated suicide. Suicide does not come from selfishness, but from despair- because one cannot see beyond their current feelings and circumstances. I was trapped in the idea that the way I had been living was the way I would always live, trapped in a permanent state of despair. I had no hope. Hope comes from a belief in goodness, and pure goodness is found only in God. To find goodness I had to look outside of myself to God. Vibrant life and magnificent beauty were found there, in my God. When I truly began to realize what a savior I had, I was in a psychiatric hospital for depression. And let me tell you, if you have the nerve to think your life is boring-go stay in a hospital for a week, it made me desperately crave real life and real food. After leaving the hospital I read a book called “One Thousand Gifts” in which a Christian woman begins to make a list of what she is grateful for. By the end of the book she is thanking God for enabling her to see the colors of the rainbow in a soap bubble while she is washing the dishes- a chore she did daily for nearly ten years. This woman’s grateful heart had me feeling convicted. I was in a place where I was not even thankful for my own life! I began to learn that I live a blessed existence. Every morning, I wake up on a soft bed, with a roof over my head, and hot water in my shower, and food in my kitchen-well sometimes. That day I challenged myself, to find every single reason I felt a hint of joy. I’m definitely not perfect, but I needed this heart check. Today alone I’ve silently thanked God for warm showers, Starbucks coffee, cute headbands, sunshine, pretty pink flowers, and shoes without shoe laces. And to think, two months ago I was not even grateful for something as precious as my life- an opportunity to serve the creator of the world. If you think your life has no purpose-you are wrong. God does not only love you, but takes delight in you, and daily woos your soul to follow him. You have a purpose.
